The following passage from The Picture of Dorian Gray has haunted me since I read it a few months back. Now I haven’t actually finished the novel because I became bored with Dorian’s laments, mistakes, and apathy, but something in his story resonates with those of us who are in that place of fear that comes with graduating from our “youthful” desires (or at least that place where we think we should):
“’Because you have the most marvelous youth, and youth is the one thing worth having. […] No, you don't feel it now. Some day, when you are old and wrinkled and ugly, when thought has seared your forehead with its lines, and passion branded your lips with its hideous fires, you will feel it, you will feel it terribly. Now, wherever you go, you charm the world. Will it always be so? [. . .] Yes, Mr. Gray, the gods have been good to you. But what the gods give they quickly take away. You have only a few years in which to live really, perfectly, and fully. When your youth goes, your beauty will go with it, and then you will suddenly discover that there are no triumphs left for you, or have to content yourself with those mean triumphs that the memory of your past will make more bitter than defeats. Every month as it wanes brings you nearer to something dreadful. Time is jealous of you, and wars against your lilies and your roses. You will become sallow, and hollow-cheeked, and dull-eyed. You will suffer horribly.... Ah! realize your youth while you have it […] Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing. [. . .] The world belongs to you for a season. [. . .] For there is such a little time that your youth will last--such a little time. The common hill-flowers wither, but they blossom again. The laburnum will be as yellow next June as it is now. In a month there will be purple stars on the clematis, and year after year the green night of its leaves will hold its purple stars. But we never get back our youth. The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty becomes sluggish. Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were too much afraid, and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to. Youth! Youth! There is absolutely nothing in the world but youth!’”
It is after Lord Henry tells this to Dorian Gray that his tragedy truly begins. (I took out the bits wherein Henry expounds upon the glories of Gray’s beauty—though that is a key point in the text and the text’s goals concerning aestheticism, it is not exactly relevant to my discussion.)
Whenever I begin to think about how I feel old at 25 (soon to be 26 and officially in my late twenties), I hear Lucinda Matlock’s voice from Edgar Lee Masters poem scolding me (What is this I hear of sorrow and weariness,/ Anger, discontent and drooping hopes?/ Degenerate sons and daughters,/ Life is too strong for you— / It takes life to love Life.) But it is not that I physically feel old, it’s more this feeling that I am wasting time. I want every day to be extraordinary; haven’t we been told by Ferris Bueller that we need to smell the roses? Live life to the fullest? Live like we were dying? But what does that even mean if we have responsibilities, work, relationships and errands? I can’t steal a float in Chicago and sing “Twist and Shout”! What does it mean to “Live the wonderful life that is in you”? And, more importantly, how do we live that life without becoming selfish? How can we follow every impulse and want without hurting people just as Dorian Gray does? The problem with the novel too is that it emphasizes going after all the physical pleasures in life…and that is mostly what leads to his downfall. But the point is that he does follow his heart and his senses, trying to feel alive everyday only to be destroyed by it. So, can we live our lives to fullest? Or, must we put qualifiers on what that means? Obviously this problem is nothing really new seeing that Oscar Wilde seemed to suffer from these questions 100 years ago and Andrew Marvel 150 years before him (Had we but world enough, and time, This coyness, Lady, were no crime).
I have had this very conversation with a few of my close friends, and before I discuss their and my conclusions, I want to explore why so many of us are experiencing an existential crisis of sorts right now. Partly, it has to do with the fact that most of my friends have just graduated from a graduate program and we are trying to find our way in this economy. Partly, it has to do with the fact that I have many motivated artistic friends who want so much more out of life because (1) we are romantics and (2) we probably over-think life. Also, we long to be perpetual students, but know that this does not put food on the table nor do these dabbles help our significant others…
I had my last day of work yesterday, a break that may last a month or more (a long story as to why), and I feel much nervous energy about having no place of work to go to. When I called August my “black hole,” a friend laughed at me and said I was the only one she knows who would consider a “break” a “black hole” and said that instead I should insist on calling it a “sunny place where good things happen.” Touché. It’s not that I have nothing to do. I have plenty I need to do for the next round of grad applications, etc. It’s the fact that I do not know where my life will end up in a month and whether it will slake this crisis: Will I finally feel more fulfilled then I feel now? Will it finally heal that gaping wound all those rejection letters caused? I know it many sound silly and melodramatic, but getting my dreams rejected felt like a death of sorts and changed me in major ways, leading me to question every aspect of my life. I came away with a shadow that’s only now being lifted with the help of some essential friends. When the world tells you that you can’t do what you want, how do you live life to the fullest?
I know there are many out there, especially in this time and economy, who feel this way. The twenties seem to be the new “inbetweener” phase. We want to make something great of ourselves but lack the ability to do it. Society is allowing and encouraging us to explore our options, and in fact, it seems to discourage “settling down.” “Youth” seems to be getting longer (40s are the new 30s?) The media and a lot of American culture promote having great experiences before we “settle” into a cubicle or a nice house with a white picket fence. Where is there a positive image of commitment? We seem to be bred to be perpetually dissatisfied…or at least fear whatever feels too permanent. But it never answers what it means to live the wonderful life that is in you.
So conclusions…a couple of my friends have suggested to make long term goals, such as expanding “day” to living a “year” to the fullest and that means constructing goals to accomplish. Creating a “bucket list” of sorts and soul searching and asking, what is it that I need to do in order to feel as if I didn’t waste it? Really there is no sense in fearing time, as it will always win. But we can feel better about the way we spend our time, making sure we don’t let our lives get sucked into Facebook or TV, and finding the things that not only brings pleasure but brings true satisfaction. Unlike Dorian Gray we can move beyond beauty and the senses and find the deeper goals that will make our lives feel complete (hopefully that way we won’t bring about our own destruction).
So here is my “bucket list” and I encourage you to post your own in the comment space:
1. Write a book
2. Get an article published
3. Get into grad school
4. Become a fluent reader of Latin
5. Become fluent in German
6. Live in Italy for a year (or semester)
7. Teach Paradise Lost
8. Eat 3 meals of a lifetime in my 3 favorite countries: Germany, France, and Italy
9. Do a lot of traveling
10. Read every book on the MA reading list
11. Watch less TV
12. Find really good people with whom I can share it all. (I have a start)
[I am sure the list will expand as I do] So for the next month off I plan to work on the first 5 and hopefully get somewhere. I will keep you posted on my progress.
[*note: my original bucket list had things like “dance a tango in Argentina,” “work on a winery in Australia,” “backpack through eastern Europe,” “be knighted by the Queen” but that is just too much isn’t it? ;)]
Wonderful post! Coming from someone who can relate, the post is well-developed, and very insightful. I feel like you've effectively and so honestly expressed a lot of what I am going through, too, so thank you for your articulation!
ReplyDeleteIt brings some comfort to kinda know why you're feeling a certain way, and I feel like you've responded to the "whys?" very well.
I, too, often feel as if I'm wasting life: I shouldn't have watched that movie, trolled on the Internet for that long, etc. I think a certain level of dissatisfaction is healthy, though, because there is always a motivation to keep pushing forward, and not to be bored with life and what it has to offer you. Whenever I am feeling especially "wasteful" I try to check myself, asking, "Am I taking the necessary steps, however small, to actively push myself forward? Am I progressing?" Sometimes it's a "no," sometimes it's "I don't know," and sometimes it's a "yes." Regardless, there's a part of me that thinks every day is meaningful, that every day is pushing us forward, whether we think it is or not. Obviously, we want to be more conscious of how this is happening, but when we are frustrated and confused, we are also progressing, or I guess not being "wasteful" because we are on the road to fulfillment, merely because we are trying to figure out how to best take that road. Maybe I'm rationalizing, I don't know, but it makes sense to me. Think of how much you've already accomplished, or have enjoyed life; think of how much you have already experienced, and how much of your life you have already fulfilled. It's easy to focus on what you haven't done (I'm guilty of doing such), but remembering everything you've done, and how you've already fulfilled certain goals/desires will help you realize that you will for sure achieve/fulfill more life expectations in the (near) future (I tell myself the same!).
My favorite part of your post is when you described certain frustrated individuals who want more out of life as "romantics" and overthinkers. I think this is so true! It is inevitable, then, that we, as romantics and overthinkers, will never be wholly satisfied. We'll have moments of satisfaction, periods of it, or maybe some aspect of our lives will feel satisfied, but there will always be something tugging at our sleeve, begging for exploration. I think this is a good thing; complete contentment sounds kind of boring, anyways ;) Importantly, though, I think a level of dissastisfaction makes us who we are as romantics and overthinkers: it makes us interested in story, and the telling of stories; we are interested in many people's stories, but naturally, we are also interested in our own, hence the unresolved ending, and subsequent existential crisis. The year-long bucket list is a great way to temper this dissatisfaction; my (edited) one is as follows:
1. Publish something (the newspaper and Internet don't count)
2. Become more active in my cultural community
3. Become specialized in one area of literary study
4. Become fluent in French
5. Travel to France, Italy, and Spain (as well as Germany, Switzerland, England...all of those European countries ;))
6. Learn to play golf
7. Per W., become a fluent reader of Latin
8. See as much theatre as is practical
9. Become a yoga master
10. Become more connected (spiritually, politically, intellectually, etc.)
Enjoyed! It is comforting to see others experience that gnawing visitor from time to time. I see it as a positive ultimately, as it does create drive and motivation. I sometimes wonder if this unsettling feeling is part of existence, the nature of life. Without it would it mean we were dead? Maybe finding a balance between enjoying the positives in life and using the uncomfortable to guide us is the answer...
ReplyDeleteWell-said W and S! And thanks, Noelle, for joining us.
ReplyDeleteShelley, I agree on the yoga work...I'm signing up for a yoga retreat in September to keep me going. :)
I think my bucket list for the year is going to be quite simple since I have an unwavering tendency to overthink things in my romantic state:
Be patient and open to the possibilities in whatever context I am in.
As for reading every book on the MA reading list, W., I will gladly loan you my copy of Clarissa. ;)
It's nice to know so many feel as I do! I too think contentment is overrated. I love to push myself and feel pushed. It's nice to consider this a positive.
ReplyDeleteM- Maybe not every book on the MA list...I did feel very inspired and ambitious last night ;)