Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my “teaching ethos” (mostly because the leader of my teaching mentor group has asked me to do so); and after reflecting on my first year teaching composition during my MA program, I’ve decided to publically apologize to my former students.
During the years between my programs, I worked as an assistant director at a learning center. Here, I worked with students (and their parents) from different backgrounds with different ability levels. Although these students had various learning (dis)abilities, they had one thing in common: they needed someone to tell them they could be good in school, not another person telling them exactly what they sucked at. [I also learned that many kids cannot comprehend what they are reading and nobody has cared (or noticed) that they couldn’t comprehend—but that is a different post.]
I think the biggest mistake I made as a pretend professor was forgetting that as freshman they were not college students or college writers yet. I had wrongly assumed that they could handle criticism without feeling hurt and that they should be able to do college level work and think at a college level (they were in college after all). I was angry and saddened by their lack of ability, and I interpreted this as apathy. However, what I discovered later was that none of my students had really ever been asked to think or express their opinions. I was also frustrated by my personal lack of support…I had no idea how to “fix” my class and I did not have the resources (nor did the university) to help me figure out a solution. After my experience, I was ready to give up teaching—basically because I thought I sucked.
After working at the learning center, and being able to help students, I realize I did not suck, but I did have the wrong perspective. I had these visions of what it mean to be a “Professor”—I thought I had to be tough, be intellectual, be…I don’t even know what I thought it meant. But really, being a professor is being a teacher and remembering that these are just kids trying desperately to be college students but who do not know what that means yet. I asked myself: what do I need from a professor? I am, after all, still a student—a reminder that I needed to humble myself.
A recent quote sums up my newfound teaching goal: “The writing teacher must not be a judge, but a physician. His [her] job is not to punish, but to heal.” –Donald Murray.
Although there are those students who are apathetic and don’t want to try, rarely do students try to write terribly on purpose... or because they hate me.
Your honesty is refreshing and admirable, and leads to a reflection that is truly insightful. The best teachers are the ones who make an effort to be aware of the nature of their relationship with their students, who can then be instructed most appropriately; you seem to be well on your way to being one of these teachers!
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